What Would It Look Like If Our Parents Knew How to Self-Soothe?
A Swing, a Spiral, and a Moment of Clarity
Emotional regulation and generational healing aren’t just therapy buzzwords — they’re survival skills our parents never got the chance to learn.
It’s a Thursday afternoon, and I’m sitting in my indoor eggshell swing, half working, half spiraling. My brain feels loud, my focus nonexistent, and my body is begging me to stop pretending I’m okay.
So, I listen. I sit back, sway gently, and breathe. The motion slows my thoughts until I finally feel my heartbeat again. That’s emotional regulation — not perfection, not avoidance, but knowing when to step back before your mind hijacks your peace.
And in that moment, I can’t help but wonder:
What would it look like if our parents knew how to self-soothe?
When Survival Replaces Emotional Regulation
For many of us — the ones in our late 20s, 30s, and 40s — our parents weren’t taught to regulate emotions; they were taught to survive them. They didn’t have time for self-soothing; they had bills, kids, and pressure to hold it together.
They pushed through, and we learned to do the same. Anger turned into control, sadness turned into silence, and vulnerability? That wasn’t in the vocabulary.
Our parents’ generation saw “feelings” as optional — something you dealt with privately or not at all. So when they were triggered, they reacted. When they were scared, they shut down. Emotional regulation wasn’t modeled; it was dismissed. And without realizing it, that became the emotional inheritance we’re now unpacking.
That’s where generational healing begins — when we stop repeating what hurt us and start naming what we needed.
Learning What Calm Feels Like
Our generation is different. We’re the ones going to therapy, setting boundaries, and trying not to pass on our own chaos. We’re the ones learning that calm doesn’t mean lazy — it means safe.
When I sit in that swing, it’s my way of self-parenting.
It’s me saying, “Hey, you’re safe here. You don’t need to earn rest.”
That’s emotional regulation in action — the ability to feel discomfort without spiraling or shutting down.
That’s generational healing — turning inherited chaos into intentional calm.
The Power of Generational Healing
Imagine if our parents had known how to self-soothe — how to pause before yelling, how to comfort themselves instead of overcontrolling everything around them. Maybe we would’ve seen more tenderness, more “I love yous,” more quiet moments where they could simply be human.
But we can’t rewrite their story. What we can do is honor it — and heal beyond it.
Generational healing doesn’t mean holding resentment; it means holding awareness. It’s the realization that they did what they knew, and now we know better.
Every act of self-care, every moment of stillness, every therapy session — it’s a small revolution in the cycle.
We’re not just healing ourselves. We’re healing our lineage.
The Lesson in the Swing
Every time I settle into that eggshell swing, I remember that stillness is not weakness. It’s safety. It’s wisdom.
Emotional regulation doesn’t make you unbothered — it helps you respond instead of react.
Generational healing doesn’t erase the past — it redefines how it shows up in your present.
So the next time you feel yourself unraveling, ask:
What would it look like if I chose calm instead of control right now?
Maybe that’s where real healing begins — not in perfection, but in presence.
Final Thought
If reading this hit a little too close to home, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. At JL Family Services, our therapists specialize in helping adults break generational patterns, manage emotional overwhelm, and learn how to self-soothe in real life, not just theory.
We’ve got therapists with immediate openings, ready to help you slow down, breathe, and start healing. Whether you’re unpacking old family dynamics or just trying to keep your peace in the middle of chaos, we’ve got someone for you.
Related Articles You Might Like
Below, you’ll find a selection of additional related articles that you may find intriguing and informative.
Healing Intergenerational Trauma
Therapy for Black Girls, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford explores how trauma can pass through generations and offers tools for breaking cycles of emotional suppression and silence within Black families. Read More
How Trauma Affects the Brain
In Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, Episode 303, reviewa a science-based yet accessible look at how unprocessed emotional pain impacts our brains and behaviors — and how therapy helps rewire these inherited responses. Read More
Centering Black Mothers Through Psychotherapy
The Family Institute article highlights how generational trauma shapes emotional patterns for Black mothers and emphasizes the importance of culturally attuned therapy. Read more.